Satire: Why not to visit Japan

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Summer is here, and we are ready for all the excitement that is about to come. While some decide to stay here in Norway, others prefer to go abroad during this opportunity. And where do people prefer to go to? Well, according to, Tokyo, Japan was the 6th most popular destination for tourists to visit in 2017. 

In countless occasions I have heard people mention that they wish to visit Japan. Of course Japan is a great place to visit for sightseeing, and yes; Tokyo is an awesome city for all forms of entertainment. But being raised in Japan for 13 long years, I can also give you some reasons why visiting Japan may result in a sour experience or at least contribute with tips on how you can make the experience suck less, if you decide to go regardless. 

First off are the dreadful heat strokes. The number of people sent to hospitals due to summer time heat strokes have skyrocketed to a very dangerous level in Japan these recent years. Even back in the first decade of the 2000’s, thousands and thousands of people got sent to the hospitals every year due to this issue and many hundreds of them died soon later. But I suppose if you want the opposite of what the Norwegian cold can offer, you might still be intrigued.

Beginning from May, the temperature in Japan starts to rise sharply; resulting in a temperature averaging from 35ºC to 39ºC. This combined with the unbearable humidity in the air, creates a giant greenhouse over the Japanese cities, which is more than hot enough to steam cook the little humans under it.

So pro tip number 1: Always stay hydrated.

Secondly; we mustn’t ever forget the herds of insects that thrive under the green house. Mosquitos are obvious annoyances. They start tackling your skin as if they were snowflakes, but these are the least of your worries. If cockroaches aren’t enough intruders to sneak into your kitchen, try some centipedes. These suckers love to hide in our mattresses and carpets, and nearly give us a heart attack by popping their heads out. A lovely childhood memory of mine from when we lived in Japan and a tip that might come in handy if you still aren’t appalled by the idea of traveling here, is when we had to deal with these things every month. We used freezing spray as our arsenal to fight back and I suggest for you to do the same.

Then we have the Japanese giant wasps. These poisonous nightmares are by far one of the most dangerous creatures you can ever encounter during your visit in Japan. Having a wingspan of about 7.6 cm, these wasps don’t sound anything like bees when they fly, but rather like the jet engine of the very plane you flew in with. If you ever encounter one, your best bet to live would be to use your friend as a shield. No joke. It’s a lonely life, but it’s a life.

You would think that if you were traveling in a foreign city there would always be danger in the night time. It does sound like something one would add on to this list, but rest assured, at night, a Japanese city is one of the safest places to be in. That heatstroke you get during the daytime is actually more dangerous, than the people that lurk in the dark parts of the city. And should you happen to get in trouble with a bad drunk, just use some of that freezing spray. If it works on centipedes, it should work on drunk people as well.

If it works on centipedes, it should work on drunk people as well.

So now you know why it really isn’t that great of an idea to visit Japan, and how to prepare yourself if you should end up there anyways. Water jug, freezing spray and a trusting human shield for flying murder hornets. 


Sean Cooper


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